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Joan vs. Jennifer
In this episode, newcomer, Joan Neuenworth comes to Boston to check on her younger brother, Albie Neuenworth Mitchell and to put the scheming Jennifer Barrett on notice...not to mention on blast... that she will not allow her to antagonize him. Scene An apartment on Berkeley Street in the Back Bay area. A woman is watching the movers move her things into the apartment. She is a familiar presence in the lives of a few of our friends in Boston. She is Joan Neuenworth, and she is the older sister of Albie Mitchell. She took this apartment and moved to Boston to make sure her brother would be all right. As she is the only blood relative he has, she takes her responsibility very seriously. She is approached by Dylan Harper who seems to remember her. DYLAN: Joan? Joan Neuenworth? What brings you here to Boston? JOAN: Oh, Mr. Harper. It's good to see you here! I'm sorry about all the hurly-burly. This move was kind of last-minute and seat of my pants. I am not normally like that. I talked with Libby after what happened and I still kick myself for not being here when Albie went into the hospital. DYLAN: Don't fret about that, Joan. You're fine. Albie got through it well. And please, call me Dylan. I am not a huge fan of formality, neither is my family. JOAN: Are you sure? DYLAN: Positive. JOAN: Thank you for keeping an eye on my brother. I worry so much about him. After our folks died, I was the one who kind of served as both sister and mother to him. DYLAN: As I am sure you should be. Sheila worries about me as much as I do about her. (Enter Sheila who kisses Dylan on the cheek.) SHEILA: It is amplified because Dyl and I are twins. JOAN: That's right. Albie told me about that. SHEILA: So, you're moving here? JOAN: That's right. With Albie and Jason here and I felt like I was rattling around that old Los Angeles apartment like a marble in a tin cup. So, I felt that it was time for me to move on. I was New England bound. It IS kind of a culture shock after living in the Midwest and then living in California for so many years. (Enter: Albie and Jason. Albie is delighted to see his sister.) ALBIE: Joanie? You're here?! JOAN: Yes, hon. I am. (she grins) And what's a big sister for if she can't keep an eye on her baby brother? (The two hug.) JASON: Good to see you, Joan. JOAN: And you too, Jason. I am pleased to see you as well. How are things? JASON: His headaches have been less frequent. That operation really helped. ALBIE: They still show up sometimes...like now! (All of a sudden, Jennifer shows up, a smirk on her face. Jason looks worried. Joan comes up to Albie's side.) JASON: What is it, Bae? ALBIE (disgusted): Like a bad penny always turning up! It! That piece of work just HAD to show its face! JOAN: I'll take care of it, honey. You don't worry. That's why I am here. Joanie is on the job! ALBIE: Thanks, Joanie. JASON: She's got your back, my sweet Bae. Just like we all do. JOAN: What in the world are you doing here, It?! You harassing my brother again? JENNIFER: I am NOT an it, you miserable piece of garbage! JOAN: Listen good, lady, if I were you, I would not be saying that about him! (It finally dawns on the evil woman who she is dealing with!) JENNIFER: Oh, dear god! I should have known! YOU! I thought you had dropped dead years ago! JOAN: So sorry that you're disappointed...NOT! You think I am going to let YOU stop me from being near my brother?! You really MUST be stupid! JENNIFER: I hate you! JOAN: Well, that makes us even, because I have NO liking for you either! JENNIFER: What the hell do you think you are doing in MY city?! This is MY city! Donald Trump gave it to me! (Joan nods slowly.) JOAN: I knew it. When I first heard about it, I thought Libby had lost her mind, but now, I can see that she's clearly right. She told me about your stupid fetish with Donald Trump! How you think that he gives you privileges not for the rest of the hoi polloi and how you think he is going to dump his wife and marry you; not to mention you being incredibly stupid to even think that you're his "pretty one". It is disgusting! YOU'RE disgusting! You're not pretty, you're absolutely ugly! And I am warning you, and I am warning you only once! You mess with Albie, and you'll wish to God you'd never messed with him! I will absolutely DESTROY you! JENNIFER: Is that a threat?! JOAN (coldly): No, bitch, it's not a threat! It's a PROMISE! And you know that full well! You ought to know me well enough by now to know that I don't make any idle threats, especially when it concerns my younger brother and his safety and security. If you even dare mess with him once, then you mess with ME, and I promise, I'll show you NO mercy! JENNIFER: Hah! Donald Trump will protect me! JOAN: Oh, is that so?! I don't think so. Trump has no liking for you! JENNIFER: He LOVES me! Everybody loves me! JOAN: No, you delusional twat! He has NO liking for you, let alone any love. All you are is an entitled, selfish and self-centered little bitch who has no values and no morals! JENNIFER: How DARE you?! I am a woman of impeccible morals! My decency is well-known. Donald Trump is my boyfriend and will be my husband. I am WORTH bigamy! JOAN (sardonically): I have never seen a more massive delusion and a more farcical ego in my life! You really ARE bat-shit crazy, aren't ya?! JENNIFER: I am loved and adored! The whole WORLD adores me! ALBIE: Oh, shut up, Barrett! You give me a sick headache! Now, just get your bat-shit crazy backside the hell out of here! JENNIFER: NO! JOAN: I warn you! Leave, or suffer the consequences! JENNIFER: What are YOU going to do?! Attack me?! I think I am just going to have to call the police! You assaulted Donald Trump's "Pretty One"! (Joan laughs outright) JOAN: My God! You really are paranoid, aren't you?! I wasn't anywhere near you, and I wouldn't put a hand on you. Besides, I don't want to catch any of your diseases! JENNIFER: You still assaulted me! You assaulted my ego and hurt my feelings. I am going to cry! JOAN (disgusted) Oh, my heart bleeds for you! And quit it with the fake crying spiel. It's as phony as your Botox backside! You're just upset that you're not getting what you want! And, just so you know, the Green Goblin would look prettier than you are, a million times over! JENNIFER: How DARE you?! How dare you compare me and my ravishing beauty to a GOBLIN?! JOAN: If the bag fits, wear it! In fact, do us all a favor! Put a bag over your ugly face! JENNIFER (angrily) Why you...! (Sheila has had enough. She shoves Jennifer hard) SHEILA: I have had just about enough of you, Barrett! Get the HELL out of this area! Get your ass back in jail, where you belong! JENNIFER (screaming): No! I am Donald's Pretty One! I am too pretty to be in prison! I deserve to be in a lavish palace! I was born to rule! I am absolute royalty! I have more rights than anyone else! Everybody LOVES me! DYLAN: Listen to me, you delusional narcissist! Get out of here! We're no fools! We know what you are capable of! You are NOT anything like you think you are! You are EVIL! Now, get the hell out of here! Or you will be arrested automatically! JENNIFER: NO! JOAN: I already called the cops. They are on their way now! JENNIFER (screaming): BURN IN HELL! I'LL BE BACK! JOAN: So you think?! I think the police have other ideas. JENNIFER: You've not seen the last of me! I will get you for this! Bet on it! I WILL GET YOU FOR THIS!!!!!!! The furious Jennifer flees in fury, the cops on her tail. She runs as fast as she can, but the cops overtake her and haul her off to jail. She is screaming and threatening all the way down the street. Joan, her arm around her brother and her brother in-law enter the apartment. The others follow her, helping with the moving. The scene fades Category:Episodes Category:Catfight episodes Category:Episodes featuring Dylan and Sheila